Can it really be over a month since the last post? Meaning, can it really be over a month and my back continues to nag and nag and nag? But here I go feeling sorry for myself again. The only thing I seem to be good at these days.
In late February, my back started to feel slightly better. My attitude improved. In mid-March, my back started to feel a lot worse. I fell into another depression. Overall, it's the same and I'm not good at judging small increments. I've stopped getting my hopes up after one good evening where my hips look almost straight. I've stopped thinking I feel up to a ten minute walk because I've been inside for two days and not in too much pain. Three blocks, and there's the pain. I felt okay yesterday. I was able to walk from my office on 14th and 6th to physical therapy on 23rd and Park. That's the longest walk I've taken in three and a half months. Victory?
Mostly I haven't posted because exasperation, self-pity and malaise are not sustainable topics. The last epidural—the nerve blocks—did nothing. Last week, I started physical therapy, a last ditch effort to avoid surgery. I've gone three times. I go again tomorrow. At this point, I want surgery! Sur-jer-ee! Sur-jer-ree!
Meanwile, my osteopath is trying to get a myelogram approved by my insurance company, no small feat. A myelogram is a test where they inject contrast die into your spinal canal and then x-ray it to see any blockages or the like. My osteopath wants to do this because after so much time, he can't figure out why my body is still deformed and why it won't respond to treatment.
Physical therapy. I lay face down on a massage table (ow, not the best position for my low back), and after ten minutes with something heavy and hot draped on my back, the physical therapist (PT) begins to dig into the many spasms that are my lower back. If she presses the right spot, my calf and foot light up with pins and needles. Ding ding ding. She stays on that spot longer. This process hurts and when she's done digging, I crawl off the table and attempt to stand so she can see how crooked I still am and if I've gained any mobility to bend forward or to the side. If you count by centimeters, I'm getting better.
I do some very easy exercises. First, I stand with my forearm against a wall and parallel to the floor, hip close to the wall, shoulders square, then try and touch the wall with my hip. I can only do this from the right side. The left hip won't go. The second exercise is a pelvic tilt. I lay face up on the table and very slightly tilt my hips to the ceiling, flatten my back and push my belly button into the table. Once my hips are slightly raised, I don't let them drop again. Not because I'm supposed to do it this way, but because once they're raised and my back is flat, it's too painful to drop them again. When I finish those, they make me lay on my stomach (big ow) and ice me down. I limp onto the subway and go home feeling worse.
I will say, physical therapy has helped my muscles calm down. But as they muscles release, I feel a lot more tingling in my calf and foot and numbness in my toes and sometime my upper thigh, even when I'm just sitting. I asked the PT if I should be worried about this, and she said, "Not yet."
Some days I think my body is tilted and my muscles are spasmed for a reason. If they let go, the nerve pressure would be so bad I'd fall over. Some days I think the muscles and nerves are all confused and once they all relax, my life will be normal. The doctors? They just don't know.
